An Australian clinical and forensic psychologist has outlined a series of practical strategies to help people navigate grief after the loss of a loved one — particularly during anniversaries, birthdays and other emotionally charged milestones that can intensify the pain of bereavement. The guidance comes as the husband of late Australian television personality Mel Schilling has spoken openly about the profound difficulty of marking significant dates without her.
Grief and the Weight of Meaningful Dates
Schilling, a dating coach best known for her role on the reality series Married At First Sight, passed away in March at the age of 53 following a battle with cancer. Four months on, her husband Gareth marked what would have been their eighth wedding anniversary with a heartfelt tribute on Instagram, sharing a photograph from their wedding day.
"Hard to reconcile that the anniversary of the happiest day of my life could become one of the saddest," Gareth wrote. "We didn't quite make 8 years married or 15 years together but what a love and what a life we had!"
His public grief has resonated widely, shining a light on what psychologists call "anniversary reactions" — the natural emotional and physical responses that surface around meaningful dates.
According to psychologist Denise Cullen, this experience is far more common than many people realise. "If you're finding that the holidays hurt, or that certain dates like anniversaries and birthdays are especially difficult, you're not alone," she said. While anniversary reactions are often discussed in trauma contexts, Cullen notes they also help explain why grief tends to intensify during particular seasons or on specific calendar dates.
Practical Strategies for Navigating Grief
Cullen has outlined several approaches that can help bereaved people manage grief around difficult milestones.
Set expectations early
Acknowledging in advance that certain dates or events are likely to be emotionally challenging is an important first step. Cullen says this can mean giving yourself permission to scale back on traditional activities — choosing a smaller gathering over a large party, opting for simpler preparations, or skipping certain events altogether. These are all valid choices, she emphasises. Anticipatory planning can significantly reduce the overwhelming nature of grief triggers before they arrive.
Identify your triggers
It is worth thinking ahead about what specific things — particular songs, gatherings, decorations or dates — might set off a wave of grief, and having a contingency plan ready. Being prepared with a Plan B can make a meaningful difference when emotions surge unexpectedly.
Embrace the dual process model
Cullen points to the dual process model of bereavement, which holds that healthy grieving involves moving between two modes: loss-oriented activities, such as directly confronting grief and processing memories, and restoration-oriented behaviours, such as engaging in distracting tasks and focusing on the present. Engaging in both is essential to successfully moving through a period of grief, rather than becoming stuck in one mode.
Lean on your social support network
Cullen stresses the importance of being honest with trusted friends and family about how you are feeling. Simply telling someone "I'm finding this time really difficult" can open the door to genuine, meaningful support. Authentic connection, she explains, helps regulate the nervous system and reduce the stress hormones that tend to spike during grief reactions.
Practise self-compassion and physical care
Grief is exhausting — emotionally, mentally and physically. Cullen underlines that self-compassion and self-care become especially important during high-stress periods such as holidays and anniversaries, when the body and mind are already under significant strain.
A Reminder That Grief Is Not Linear
The experiences shared by Gareth following Schilling's death serve as a public reminder of something many bereaved people know privately: grief does not follow a tidy timeline. It resurfaces, often most sharply, at the moments that were once defined by joy. Cullen's message is clear — with the right tools and support, those moments can be navigated with greater resilience and self-understanding.
